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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27491491">Every other Weekend</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/NanPan86/pseuds/NanPan86'>NanPan86</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Chicago PD (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Established UPSTEAD, F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:29:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,125</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27491491</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/NanPan86/pseuds/NanPan86</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>You’ve been told what’s right and what’s wrong from the very beginning.  Is it possible to forgive the unforgivable?  This family is certainly going to try.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>79</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Waving through a Window</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“I don’t want to go.”  Sara stares back at her mom and waits for the ensuing argument.  Her hands land on her hips and she tilts her head in defiance at her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t start this today.  Please, Sara.  Just get your things ready.  We have to leave in 10 minutes.”  Her mom pulls the hamper and gives her daughter a look that tells her she isn’t asking and she better do what she was told.  How can an 8 year old have so much attitude?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I hate this…”  She says it to herself, but she knows her mom hears because she stops mid step and looks back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know baby...I know.”  She doesn’t say anything else, just continues out and downstairs to throw the laundry in before they leave.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s his week with Sara, which means she’s alone...for an entire week.  168 hours of just her.  One cereal bowl, one cup, one plate...she fucking hates it.  The quiet...That’s the worst part.  She’ll spend every moment she’s in this house alone with the radio or television turned up so she doesn’t have to listen to her own thoughts.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She should be used to this by now.  It’s been 4 months since he left...walked out on 8 ½ years of marriage.  She doesn’t know what to call it.  All she knows is that one second everything had been perfect, and the next...it wasn’t.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Come on, Sara.  It’s time to go.”  She closes her eyes as her daughter comes thundering down the steps.  </span>
  <em>
    <span>She can do this...it’s just one week.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>He checks his watch for what must be the 20th time in about 10 minutes.  They always meet at the same place and the same time without fail.  7:30 on Saturday night, in the corner parking lot of the Whole Foods grocery store.  It’s not ideal, but it’s what they have right now.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His fingers tap on the steering wheel as he waits for the familiar silver Telluride to pull in.  5 minutes.  5 minutes and his daughter will be here.  5 minutes and his entire world will pull up.  He gets to spend a whole week hearing her laugh and sing while they dance to her favorite songs. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If things were different right now, her mom would be right there with them.  It’s his fault things are like this.  All he wants is to go back to what they had and he’s trying...honestly, he’s trying to get his family back.  It’s just taking a lot longer than he hoped.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Right on cue, he sees them pull into the spot two away from him and he palms the keys in his hand.  One slow breath then another and then he opens his door and steps down.  His feet barely touch the ground before his daughter barrels into him and he catches her on the fly.  He breathes her in as if it’s been a year instead of a week away from her.  He never knew it was possible to love someone the way he loves her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Daddy!”  No matter how much she hates that her parents aren’t together right now, this man will always be her hero.  “I missed you.”  Her arms wrap tight around his neck and she bites the inside of her lip to keep from crying.  Saturdays used to mean spaghetti with her dad's best marinara sauce.  It used to mean movie nights in the living room with popcorn and milkshakes, snuggled up between two people who loved her more than anything in the world.  Saturday’s used to be her favorite.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Now it means a 20 minute car ride just to change cars again.  It means her tiny blue suitcase with the little gold stars packed with a week's worth of clothes.  It means leaving one parent alone.  It means putting on a happy face so her mom and dad don’t have one more thing to worry about.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I missed you too, bean.”  From the first ultrasound she’d been ‘bean’.  He gives her  another squeeze and then sets her down, stepping back to look at her.  “You seem taller...are you taller?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s been like a week, dad.  Don’t be silly.”  She knows he likes to joke so things aren’t so sad, but this part is always sad.  How can leaving one parent for another, not be sad?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The car door closing causes them both to turn then Sara darts back to her mom to grab her suitcase and a hug.  The hug she gives her mom is a little tighter...a little longer.  It will be a week before she can hug her again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll see you in a week, baby.  Listen to daddy, okay?”  Her hands smooth over her strawberry blonde curls and she hopes the smile she forces out looks real.  If she can keep it together for another 5 minutes, they’ll be gone and she can let the tears come.  She won’t let them fall now.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay mom...you kinda have to let me go so I can...you know, go?”  When her mom finally drops her arms, she tells her she loves her once more then walks back towards her dad.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you get in and get buckled.  I’m just gonna talk to mom real quick, okay?”  After she hops in and shuts the door, he turns and looks over at his wife. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey.”  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Please don’t hate me...</span>
  </em>
  <span>His eyes search hers and there’s so many things he wants to tell her but he can’t seem to find them.  A thousand apologies can’t erase what he’s done.  He isn’t sure there’s a way back from it, but he’s not ready to give up yet.  He just needs more time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She’s got dance on Tuesday and Thursday and you’ll need to double check her dance bag to make sure her tap shoes are in there.  She likes to take them out sometimes and she forgets to put them back.  Please don’t let her have candy all the time...she doesn’t need it.  Also, don’t forget her inhaler.  She still doesn’t like the new medication but she needs to take it.  Everyday, okay?”  Her eyes barely meet his for a fraction of a second before she looks away again, and she keeps her arms crossed in front of her almost like she’s trying to protect herself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know, Hailey.  I know.”  If he thought she wouldn’t shove him away, he’d pull her in against him.  He knows exactly what she’s feeling right now.  He feels it every time he watches them drive away without him.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry...I just...I hate this, Jay.”  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Do you still love?  Do you still want me?  </span>
  </em>
  <span>Sometimes she wonders if they’ll ever get past this.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll uh...see you Saturday.”  His hand had started to reach out on autopilot, fingers aching to touch her, but he catches himself in time and shoves his hands inside his pockets.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Take care of our baby, Jay.”  Her lips press into a thin line and she watches him climb into the truck.  Jay gives her one final wave and then starts the truck.  She stands there long after his tail lights disappear.  When she’s certain she isn’t going to crumble into a mess on the ground, she wipes her face and then gets back in the car.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She can do this.  It’s just one week...without her daughter...without her whole world...without her husband.  </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The mess that I am</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for the amazing response to this story.</p><p>Trigger *mentions of violence*</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>By the time Wednesday rolls around, Jay is completely exhausted.  He’s been staying at Will’s during this separation but he’s out of town for a conference which means that Jay hasn’t slept for more than an hour at a time since Friday night.  He feels better having Will around.  Just to be on the safe side.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dad?”  Sara’s head pokes into the living room and she waits for him to tell her she can come out of her room.  The second he smiles over at her, she practically skips to the couch and jumps up next to him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can’t sleep?”  Jay pulls the blanket Will keeps on the back of the couch over his little girl and his hand rests on her back once she settles into his side.  Sometimes if Will has to work late, they stay up and watch old reruns of shows that aired long before even Jay was born.  The familiar sound of I Love Lucy filters through the room and they both lose themselves for a little as Lucy and Ethel get themselves into trouble.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It isn’t until the next episode starts that he feels the change in Sara.  Lucy is planning a surprise birthday party.  They’ve seen the episode a couple of times already and it’s one of their favorites.  Instead of her breaths evening out and her body going lax in sleep, her little body gets more rigid and her breaths are a little uneven as the episode goes on.  Jay immediately thinks this is an asthma attack and before Sara can tell him otherwise, he rushes to the kitchen to grab her emergency inhaler.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay Bean.  It’s going to be okay.”  He gives the inhaler a quick shake and then presses it to her mouth but she turns her head before he can release the medicine.  “Sara, it will help.  Just one pump, okay?”  He tries again only to have Sara pull it from his hands and take the medicine herself.  Almost right away he can hear that her breathing isn’t as labored, but now she’s got tears in her eyes and he really has no clue what is going on.  If Hailey were here she’d know what to do...she always knows.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My birthday is next week.”  Sara hiccups it out and swipes angrily at her eyes.  She may have eventually actually needed her inhaler, but she’s mad that he didn’t see that she was just upset.  It’s not always about her asthma...even though most of the time it is.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know that…”   It’s clicking into place now.  The episode about a party and her own birthday next week remind them both of the current situation.  His hand moves to the side of her face and his thumb brushes at some of the tears there that remain.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But...I’ll be with mom.”  This time the words end with a broken sob and she shoves backwards into the corner of the couch when Jay tries to comfort her.  She’s sad...but more than that, she is angry.  Not just at her dad.  She’s angry that her parents are doing this to her.  They were the Three Amigos...the Three Musketeers...The Golden Trio...and now...they were fractured.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His little girl is so much like her mother it still blows Jay’s mind.  She’s stubborn and independent and she loves with her entire being.  He doesn’t know what to say to her.  He won’t be with her next week.  That’s the truth.  One week with Hailey, one with him.  That’s what they decided when this all started.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.  Sara...I’m so sorry.  We can do something Friday after school okay?  Whatever you want.”  His focus has been on fixing himself.  He knew Sara wasn’t totally okay with what was happening, but he was about to find out just how much she disliked what was going on.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why?”  Another sob rips from her throat as she stares at him with a look he’s never seen from her.  It looks a lot like disappointment, maybe even hate.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why are you sorry?  Why can’t you just come home?  I don’t want to do this anymore.”  Her arms wrap around her knees and she presses her face against them, letting the tears win.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>How does he tell her?  How does he tell her that everything that’s happening is his fault?  She’s so much smarter than he was at her age and she picks up on a lot of things most kids don’t .  It used to drive him crazy that she acted like an adult, but now it just makes him sad...so fucking sad.  She can tell her parents aren’t okay.  She knows something bad happened and once she finds out, Jay knows she won’t ever look at him the same.  He won’t be her hero anymore.  </span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>4 months ago</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His bag hits the floor of the locker room a second before his body follows onto the bench and he lets out a sigh of relief at being back.  He’d been working for a month gaining the trust of a white supremacist group that was targeting some of the ethnic groceries around Chicago.  He wasn’t under fully, but sometimes it would be a couple of days without seeing his wife and daughter.  It always made him feel better when he held them both in his arms.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The case was really stressful and he was required to endure long hours submerged in a group of people who were just...evil.  Jay would come home sometimes and he’d look in the mirror after a shower, feeling like he’d never get clean and he’d hate himself for what he was doing.  It felt a lot like he was being slowly brainwashed.  He doesn’t believe in a single thing the group stands for, but no matter how hard he tries, it always manages to sneak up on him.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Today’s sermon had been about women and how to handle them.  There had been videos and first hand accounts on what works best with unruly women and he had had to suppress the urge to vomit multiple times.  He will hear the leaders voice even in his sleep.  Jeremiah Hessom just might be the devil himself.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“A women’s place is beneath her husband.  They have no voice, they are for you….” </span>
  </em>
  <span> He’d blocked out the rest of it, but the pictures of beaten women...he can’t erase that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stretches his neck to the right, keeping his eyes closed, trying to hear anything other than what’s in his head.  Jeremiah hates anyone who isn’t exactly like him and anything that could threaten what he’s built.  It’s just one thing on top of another and it’s too much.  He can feel himself slipping into a place he hasn’t been in a long time and he’s trying to just not fall in completely.  He needs to talk to Voight.  He needs to at least tell him what’s happening...even if it means he gets pulled from the assignment.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It turns out to be the perfect culmination of stress, lack of sleep, and anger, and maybe if Hailey hadn’t been preoccupied with whatever story she was telling him, she would have seen...she might have recognized that something was wrong.  All he can hear is Jeremiah and the pictures and videos keep flashing and he just needs it to stop and then it’s Hailey’s ashen face staring back at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He has no idea what happened.  His left hand is squeezing her right bicep tightly and his whole body is pressing her against the lockers but that’s not even the worst of it.  His right hand is throbbing and the knuckles are split and oozing blood.  There’s a dent in the locker right next to Hailey’s head...</span>
  <em>
    <span>he’s going to be sick</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“J...Jay?”  Her voice is riddled with fear and he just...shatters.  His body folds in on itself until he’s holding his knees, crying, his whole body shaking with the effort.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hailey somehow manages to stay still.  She doesn’t lift her left arm to rub the throbbing in her right and she doesn’t shake her head to clear the ringing in her ears from his fist hitting the locker.  She’s never seen him like this...has no clue who this person is.  She’d just been talking about an appointment with Sara’s doctors and then he’d shoved her hard into the lockers.  For a split second she thought he was playing with her.  She thought he was going to kiss her but then he’d gripped her arm so tightly she is sure she cried out and his fist connected with the locker inches from her face, shocking her back into silence.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There’s a part of her that’s telling her to run.  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Get out...you know what this is...what this turns into...</span>
  </em>
  <span>but this is Jay.  This is her husband...the father of her child.  She decides to move now, pushing aside every instinct to run, and sits next to him on the floor.  Her fingers tentatively touch his forearm and she flinches slightly when he pulls away.  It’s crazy what a body remembers...how it instinctively knows danger.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Look at me, Jay.”  He doesn’t pull away when her fingers connect with his arm a second time, and she curls them around his wrist.  Tugging gently, she waits for him to look up at her.  Bloodshot eyes and a tear stained face stare back at her and she honestly can’t think of a sight more haunting than this.  He looks...broken.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m...I’m sorry.  I’m sorry…”  The words pour out and tumble over one another until he isn’t sure he’s even making them anymore.  He’d hurt her...nearly struck her, he doesn’t even remember doing it.  </span>
  <em>
    <span>What have I done?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He needs to go.  He can’t stay here another second and when he pushes himself up from the floor, he doesn’t miss the way her body tenses in anticipation...in preparation.  Like he’s going to strike her.  He mumbles out another apology and rushes from the room.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Run</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just tell her your sorry.  If you tell her your sorry then you can come home.”  His daughter’s  voice brings him back and the tears rolling down her cheeks are like a knife to his heart.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sara…”  How does he tell her that ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t fix everything?  How does he tell her that even if her mom forgave him, he’d never forgive himself.  “I wish it were that simple.”  His hand stretches out and rests on her foot that’s peaking out from the blanket and he rubs his thumb over her fuzzy sock covered toes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want mom.”  Sara doesn’t look at him as she says it and all he can think is </span>
  <em>
    <span>thank God she isn’t looking this way.</span>
  </em>
  <span>  The devastation that crosses over his face before he can shutter it settles like a heavy weight on his chest.  Of course she’d want her mom.  Can he blame her?  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want mom too.”  He tries to ignore the wetness on his own cheeks when she crawls into his lap and wraps her arms around him.  She’s angry with the situation but she still loves him.  She still loves him...</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Even when it feels...Hopeless</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>4 months ago</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She has no concept of time as she sits at the kitchen table, waiting.  Waiting for him to come home.  Waiting for this terrible dream to end and she can wake up and they’ll laugh about the absurdity of it all...if only.  She’s made dinner.  She’s cleaned up the entire kitchen.  She’s gone through Sara’s nightly routine running on autopilot.  If her daughter had noticed anything about her quiet behavior, she’d said nothing.  So now, with nothing left to do, she waits.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s just past midnight when she finally hears the key in the front door.  As much as she wants to run to him, to throw her arms around him and tell him it’s okay, that they will work through this, she stays put.  Something happened today and she has no clue where his head might be.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It crushes her that instead of coming into the kitchen, where he must see that the light is still on, he heads up the stairs to their bedroom.  She’s up and following him before she can think of a reason to stay put now.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are you doing?”  Hailey’s voice is barely a whisper, but he looks up from the bag he’s quickly shoving clothes into.  His eyes are still red as if he’s been crying this whole time, and somehow the look on his face right now is worse than the one she’d seen in the locker room.  He’s giving up...quitting.  </span>
  <em>
    <span>What the hell is happening?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Please don’t come any closer.”  Jay hurries to zip the bag and holds his hands out to stop her progress.  He doesn’t trust himself...not right now.  She stops moving but doesn’t flinch and he guesses that’s a good thing.  “I think it’s for the best that I stay with Will for a bit.  I’m sorry.”  He shoulders the bag and keeps to the wall as he passes by her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s it?”  As many years as she’s known him and been with him..loved him, she deserves more than that.  “Just talk to me Jay.  Tell me what happened today.  You can’t just leave like this.”  He’s moving down the stairs now and she has to practically run to keep up with him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I have to leave.”  The front door is open and his voice carries back to her from the porch but she keeps after him.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jay please!”  She stops completely when he tosses the bag in his truck and then turns on her.  She’s not quick enough to stop the way her eyes pinch shut or the breath she sucks in.  She’s tired and on edge and he’s shutting her out but he won’t see that.  He’ll only see her flinching away from him, scared of him...even though she isn’t.  She’s not afraid of him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t stay Hailey.”  This time he starts again, his voice quiet and controlled.  “I know you want to talk about it.  For me to explain what happened today...but that’s the thing.  I don’t know what happened.”  His hand drags over his face and he hates the tears that gather in his eyes again.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know what happened and that’s...it’s terrifying.  I don’t remember pushing you or grabbing you.  I don’t remember hitting the locker.  I was sitting on the bench and then I was looking into your eyes and you were terrified of me.”  He’s looking at her and even though she mostly looks like Hailey...like his home...his everything, all he can see is her face when he came back to himself and she was pressed against the locker.  He can still feel the way her body trembled beneath his fingers.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Leaving won’t help whatever...this is.  Jay…”  She reaches out to touch him, to prove to him and if she’s being honest, to herself, that she isn’t afraid of him.  He doesn’t jerk away or tell her to stop, but he steps back, breaking the contact and opens the truck door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry Hailey...more than you’ll ever know...but If I stay and I hurt you again or...fuck...Sara?  I won’t get over that.  I can’t come back from something like that.  I don’t even know if I can come back from this, but I need to try and I need to not be here…” The truck door closing startles them both and turns the key before he looks back at her.  “I don’t want to hurt you.  I’m sorry.”  He doesn’t wait for a response and he doesn’t look back as he pulls out onto the street.  He leaves with her standing on the sidewalk, staring after him...again.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If she had known that night that him leaving would turn into this separation, she would have tried harder.  She would have told him that him leaving hurt worse than anything and she wouldn’t stop until he believed her.  But she kept silent.  Whatever was going on in his head was bigger than she could fix.  That night he drove away she’d said nothing and when he called her back finally...after a week of no contact at all, he said he still needed more time but that he was ready to see Sara again.  He’d made it very clear that Will would be there </span>
  <em>
    <span>just in case </span>
  </em>
  <span>which broke her heart.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was Will who ultimately suggested the every other week thing.  He’d told Hailey that he would be there as much as he could and if he noticed Jay getting stressed or...weird in any way, he would call her.  Keeping Sara safe was his number one priority.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She’d gotten mad then.  She knows Jay and while she can’t explain what happened in the locker room, she knows with every fiber of her being that he would never lay a hand on Sara.  She doesn’t want Will making him think any different.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They need to talk.  Like, really sit down and figure out where they go from here.  She can’t take much more of this.  It’s hard on all of them, but she knows it’s hurting Sara more and more and that’s what she doesn’t want.  Her normally bubbly cheerful little girl was getting quieter as the separation dragged on.  She won’t talk about her days with her dad, only says it was fine, and if Hailey tries to pull more information from her, she either gets angry or she ends up crying.  Like she is right now...on her birthday.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Hailey had woken Sara up this morning, she’d gone a little overboard.  She spent nearly an hour blowing up balloons and tossing them on the floor of her room to surprise her when she woke up...and she was...surprised...for a few blissful seconds, she had smiled brightly.  Then Hailey had come in singing like she always does only this time, Jay wasn’t beside her carrying a secret gift and Hailey could do nothing as she watched her daughter’s face fall.  It was a rough start that only got worse when Sara came down for breakfast.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sara comes into the kitchen and she knows what will be waiting for her before she sees it.  There’s a small stack of pancakes with whipped cream and syrup complete with sprinkles and a candle that her mom lights the second she sees her.  It takes everything in her to not swipe the plate to the floor or shout that she only wants the pancakes if dad made them.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She doesn’t wait for her mom to finish singing Happy Birthday again, and when she blows out the candle mid song, she tries to pretend that everything is fine.  She tries to pretend that her dad is just away for work right now and he will be home tonight with a hug and a kiss and maybe another present from wherever he was.  She forces herself to take a bite of the pancakes and maybe it’s because she’s upset or maybe they really just don’t taste the same because dad didn’t make them, but the words leave her mouth before she can stop them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This isn’t the way dad makes them.”  She jumps when the griddle her mom was washing bangs into the sink.  Her lip trembles when she realizes what she said and she watches as her mom’s shoulders start to shake, her fingers gripping the counter until the knuckles turn white.  She’d made her cry.  She’d hurt her feelings and...things are so confusing.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry mom.  I didn’t...they’re fine.  Look...I’m eating them.”  She shoves a forkful into her mouth and even though it feels like saw dust, she swallows it down.  She keeps going, forcing down the breakfast until half of it is gone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sara.  Hey?”  Hailey finally shakes herself from her own thoughts, wiping her face off and moves to stand beside her daughter.  She cups her cheek and turns her to face her.  “I love you, baby.  You know that right?”  Her curls bounce slightly when she nods her head and Hailey can’t help the way her fingers wind through her hair.  “And you know daddy loves you too.  Right?”  The fingers tangled in her hair twitch as she waits for her to respond.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know.”  She turns her head away again, her fingers pressing hard against her eyes to keep the tears from starting.  All she seems to do these days is cry...it’s not very fun...who cries on their birthday?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“None of this is your fault.  None of it.  Do you hear me?”  Her fingers grip her shoulders tightly and then Hailey pulls her in for a hug, squeezing her until her daughter reminds her she can’t breathe.  When she lets her go, she brushes her hair back into place and kisses her forehead before she tells her she’ll be right back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’ll open a present now, okay?”  Hailey ignores her daughter’s less than enthusiastic response and heads to the stairs.  Her body sinks down onto the third step and she takes a second to just...breathe.  She rarely cries, and more than that, she never cries in front of her daughter.  Not because she is ashamed...it’s more about showing her daughter that even though things are hard right now, she’s still strong and she’s still here for her.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She pulls out her phone, pulling up Jay’s number and she thinks of all the things she wants to tell him right now.  </span>
  <em>
    <span>You should be here...This is hurting her...She hates the pancakes...I need you.  </span>
  </em>
  <span>And she does...need him.  She didn’t sign up to do this without him.  This was never what she wanted.  Her thumb hovers over the call button and just when she’s about to press send, there’s a knock at the door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It takes her a moment to register that what she is seeing is real.  There’s a bag at his feet and he’s got a small bunch of flowers in his hand along with a tiny dark blue box with a bright red bow.  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Did she wish him here?  Is that what was happening?  </span>
  </em>
  <span>She hears her daughter’s footsteps a second before she sees the blur of her crashing into him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Daddy!”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading! ~Nan</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. If I could tell her</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Why don’t you just go.  It’s still your home.  Hailey won’t turn you away...not today.”  Will slides the coffee cup towards his brother and takes a careful sip of his own.  He doesn’t know when Jay got up this morning, but his own alarm was set for 4:45am and Jay had already been up when he came out.  He’d just been sitting on the couch staring at his phone.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to confuse her more...Sara.  She’s really having a hard time and me showing up when it’s not my week won’t help things.”  Jay winces as the coffee burns his throat and then he stares into the mug.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This isn’t a court order, Jay.  You’re allowed to be there and it’s your daughter’s birthday.  Just go.  At least you’ll be able to give her your presents if Hailey tells you to leave...which she won’t.”  He rinses off his plate and then does the same to his mug.  His brother has done nearly every anger management class you could do over the last couple of months and Will has lost track of the amount of therapy sessions Jay has gone to.  Group...online...in person...you name it, Jay was there, trying to fix himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The only problem was, Will wasn’t sure he was broken.  He will be the first to admit that what Jay had told him scared him.  He’s seen the stories of military members who just snap...families ruined forever...the damage inflicted irreparable.  He worried that’s what was happening to Jay.  He’d slept with his door locked for the first couple of days Jay had come to stay with him and then when Sara started to come stay for the week, he’d rearranged his schedule to be here as much as he could.  Just in case.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Brief psychotic episode...that’s what his therapist determined.  Brought on by extreme stressors and lack of sleep.  According to his therapist, his history of PTSD made him more susceptible to psychotic events like this.  They could last from hours up to a month and once Jay understood what happened, he was able to pinpoint a few other instances of him losing time.  It all started about a week after he was sent in for his assignment.  He’d thought nothing of it at the time, thinking he was just tired or not remembering things because he had a lot on his mind.  It made sense and now, looking back, he can’t stop kicking himself for ignoring it.  All it took was everything aligning in just the right way and he’d nearly ruined everything...maybe he did.   They’d determined it was likely an isolated incident and judging by Jay’s non-violent history, his therapist told him that it probably would not happen again unless he let himself get in the same situation that caused the first one.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>All Will keeps thinking is that Jay was lucky...if you can even call it that...that this had happened with Hailey and not with Sara.  Not that Hailey deserved what happened, but she’s strong enough to get through it...Sara...he can’t imagine how much worse this whole thing would be if it had been Sara.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What if she doesn’t forgive me?”  Doubt fills his voice and he hates the way his hands start to shake.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jay?”  Once his head lifts and Will is certain he has his attention, he pushes on.  “It stopped being about her forgiving you a long time ago.”  His hands land on his younger brother’s shoulders a second before he hugs him.  “You need to forgive yourself.”  </span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s how he ends up outside his front door at 7:30am on a Tuesday...his daughter’s birthday.  Thinking about not spending the day with her had kept him up most of the night and now that he’s here, he’s wondering if he should have called.  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Does he knock?  Does he use his key?  </span>
  </em>
  <span>He doesn’t know the rules for something like this.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He forces himself to knock and holds his breath as he waits.  The bright blue front door swings open and then his breath escapes and he swears his vision suddenly is clearer...brighter.  Hailey is just staring at him and before he can say a word, Sara is in his arms.  He can feel her heart racing against his a he holds her tight against him.  She smells like syrup and the citrusy scent of her detangler, and her curls tickle his face when he presses his nose into her hair.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hailey clears her throat and Jay shifts Sara so he can see over her head.  He doesn’t speak but he mouths asking if he can come in and she blinks away the moisture in her eyes as she nods at him, stepping back to let him in.  Sara’s head shakes as Jay whispers something to her, and then she’s down and hurrying into the kitchen with the flowers.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know it’s not my week but I just...” She stops him before he can finish with a hand up and a hesitant smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m really glad you’re here.  I was just about to call you.”  She turns her phone so he can see the screen, wanting to give him proof.  She’s never been this nervous around him.  She makes a conscious effort to keep her feet from shuffling around and her hands are pressed against her thighs because she has no clue what to do with them.  She wants to touch him.  To pull him into a hug and never let him go because without even knowing, he’d shown up when she needed him.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re coming with us right?  You’re gonna spend the day with me?  Please don’t make him leave.  Please.”  Sara returns from the kitchen and interrupts any further conversation Jay and Hailey might have had.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, baby.  Daddy is gonna be with us as long as he wants, okay?”  She says it in response to Sara, but she’s looking at Jay, searching for confirmation.  She wants him here...that’s all she wants.</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The light that comes through the trees as they drive home from the zoo makes her sleepy.  It flickers rapidly into the car and even though she wants to close her eyes, she forces them to stay open.  She wants to keep this day in her head forever.  It had turned out to be the best birthday.  Her family was together.  They spent the whole day wandering around the zoo laughing and joking with her.  A sleepy smile forms on her face and then she shakes her head to clear the fogginess.  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Don’t fall asleep.  </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Something is going to happen.  Something big...it’s been building all day and Sara doesn’t know if it’s going to be good or bad...but it’s coming, and she needs to stay awake to be there.  Her mom and dad had made the whole day about her and honestly...she loved it, but she couldn’t help but notice that they kept her between them the whole time.  They never really spoke to each other, just talked about the animals.  They never touched.  She’d seen her dad’s hand reach out so many times towards her mom only for him to pull his hand back awkwardly instead.  And the way he watched her...the way he watched her when her mom wasn’t aware made her heart feel full and her stomach hurt all at the same time.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was happy because it looked like he was so much in love with her mom that he couldn’t keep his eyes off her, but it scared her too.  Maybe he was looking at her the whole time because he was trying to commit this day to memory like she was.  Like this was the last time they’d all be together as a family and he was just trying to memorize the way she looked.  She didn’t like that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her eyes travel to the front of the truck and she shifts her gaze between her parents.  Her dad's hand is normally holding her moms, but the center console is empty.  There’s a part of her that wants to scream at them to just fix this...fix what they broke, but she says nothing.  They’re almost home, and the day will be over soon...the magic of her birthday will be gone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Bean?  You coming out?”  Jay had shut the truck off and he and Hailey had climbed out, but Sara hadn’t moved.  He knows she is awake, had watched her fight sleep from the rear view mirror the entire way home.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sara unbuckles and climbs out from the truck, but she doesn’t move.  She’s staring at the bright blue door that hasn’t felt like home since her dad left, and her breath hitches.  “Please don’t leave.”  It’s a whisper full of tears and when her dad picks her up to comfort her, she wraps her whole body around him as if that alone would keep him here.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hailey watches from the front porch and it takes all her strength to not to break down and beg him to stay too.  She wants him home with them more than anything.  She wants them to be ‘them’ again, but she can’t make him stay if it’s not what he wants.  The crazy part is that she has no clue what he wants.  He hasn’t spoken to her at all about what he’s been doing, and the whole ‘not knowing’ thing drives her crazy.  They need to talk...tonight.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Come on guys.”  She makes the decision for all three of them right then.  They are going to figure this out.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Next chapter is the last one, I promise.  Should have it up by Sunday at the latest.~Nan</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Forever</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>There isn’t a lot of talking as they go through getting Sara ready for bed.  It’s a dance they’ve done hundreds and hundreds of times but tonight it feels...off.  They fumble around each other in the hall and then again when Sara is brushing her teeth.  Hailey stands behind her and combs her hair while Jay hovers in the doorway.  Watching...like he’s been doing most of the day and she keeps having to hold her breath to force back this tidal wave of emotion that threatens.  It feels like he’s preparing to leave.  It feels like he’s going to tell her this is permanent and she isn’t ready...she’ll never be ready for that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So she takes her time brushing out her daughter’s hair.  She drags her feet just as much as Sara and Jay just lets them.  When Sara begs them both to stay until she falls asleep, they humor her and settle in on opposite sides of her bed until her breathing finally evens out, before they make their escape.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hailey hangs back though, leaning against the door frame.  She hopes Sara will remember this birthday as a good one.  A birthday where her parents came together for her because they loved her and...Hailey had had so many shitty birthdays growing up that she vowed her daughter would never know that feeling.  She hopes today was enough.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She still out?”  Jay’s quiet whisper floats across her cheek and she holds perfectly still.  He’s so close to her that if she inhales, she’s sure her back will press against his chest.  He’s so close that his body heat sends a chill through her before it wraps around her like a familiar blanket.  He’s so close and yet not a single part of him is touching her except for his breath and when she turns her head to look up at him, he doesn’t move.  His eyes drop down to her mouth and the breath she’d been holding trembles out because maybe...just maybe she was wrong.  Maybe he wasn’t walking away again.  Maybe she’d read it all wrong today.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She watches as his arm lifts towards her and he leans closer still.  Her heart kicks against her ribs so hard he must hear it.  She’s giddy with the thought that he’s about to kiss her but then something very close to regret passes over his face and he pulls Sara’s door closed before stepping back, taking his warmth and any hope Hailey might have had left, with him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We should talk.”  He passes by her down the stairs and she follows behind him, praying the whole time she’s strong enough to watch him leave again.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just want to start by thanking you for letting me spend the day with you guys.  You could have turned me away but you didn’t and I’m…”. He’s in the chair, a strategic choice so she won’t be too close to him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She has to bite her lip to stop from breaking in.  She wants to tell him that she never turned him away in the first place…that none of this was what she wanted, but he seems to be having a hard enough time getting things out, so she waits.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He tells her about his therapy and how the doctor was confident it was an isolated incident, but instead of feeling relieved at hearing this, all Hailey can think is that he’s been dealing with all this by himself.  Even as he tells her what should be good news, she can hear the doubt in his voice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So what does that mean...for us?  What does that mean?”  Her nails are digging into her thighs through her leggings so hard she might actually have broken the skin but she doesn’t care.  In fact, she presses them harder just so she can feel something other than this crushing weight on her chest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know.”  It’s quiet and not at all what she wants to hear but he doesn’t have a clue what any of it means.  No matter what the therapists said, he still put his hands on her.  He’ll always be the guy that put his hands on her.  How can he expect her to let him stay after something like that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay...well...that’s not good enough.”  Anger laces her words and she shoves up from the couch to pace over to the front window.  “I need more than that, Jay.  She needs more than that.”  Her hand flings towards the steps and she wants to scream that none of this is fair.  She hasn’t pushed him for answers this whole time but enough is enough.  “If this is her new normal...our new normal, you need to say it.  If you aren’t coming back then...Just fucking say it already!”  Her voice rises, carrying up the stairs and neither speak.  They don’t want Sara up to hear this.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How can you want me to come back?  After what I did...how can you trust me when I don’t even trust myself?”  He swallows around the emotion in his throat and a part of him wishes he never started this conversation.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?”  This whole time she thought he was just taking the time to figure things out.  She’s glad he was talking to someone but she had no clue that he was still under the impression that she was afraid of him.  She’d by lying if she said he hadn’t scared her that day.  There was a moment when she looking at him but she wasn’t seeing him and yeah...she was afraid in that moment...but not now.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jay I...I never asked you to leave.  I never once said I didn’t want you here.”  She chances a couple of steps towards him because they are finally getting somewhere.  “Do you honestly think that if I was afraid of you that I wouldn’t have reported you?  Or keep you from having any contact with me or Sara?”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How could I stay, Hailey?  Let me ask you this...If this was Sara, 10 years from now and she told you that her boyfriend...or whoever she was with, grabbed her.  Shoved her against the wall...What would you tell her?  Because I sure as shit know what I’d do.”  He sees the moment she understands where he is coming from.  He watches her face fall at the realization that he’s got a point.  He closes his eyes, waiting for her to send him away this time.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not Sara.”  Her voice breaks and it’s more about what he’s been keeping inside his head this whole time than about herself, but it still makes her sad.  “I’m not some kid so blinded by love that I don’t see what’s happening.”  She drops to her knees in front of him grabbing his hands in hers, preventing him from going anywhere.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stop.”  He tries to back away but there’s nowhere to go.  It’s the first time his hands are touching her since that day and he needs her to back up...he needs to not be touching her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No!  Look at me!  Jay look at me.”  Her hands let go of his so she can drag his face down to her.  “We aren’t talking about Sara.  This is you and me...and I know you Jay.  I love you.  I love you…” She tries to hold back the tears but it’s no use.  He’s been staying away for months all because he thought she wouldn’t want him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I need...you need to back up.  Please, Hailey.”  His fingers flex against his legs.  He just needs for her to not be so fucking close.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re scared.”  Realization dawns on her and suddenly it all makes sense. There’s so much pain in his voice that if she wasn’t already crying, she would certainly be right now.  The careful distance he kept all through the day wasn’t because he didn’t want her anymore.  He’s afraid of hurting her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t...please let me go.”  He means for her to stop touching him, but she must take it another way because she’s crying even harder now and pulls one of his hands into both of hers. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just touch me Jay!”  She pleads with him and tugs hard on his hand until it is touching her face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t!  Every time I try, I see what I did.  I hurt you...these hands...they hurt you.”  Now they’re both crying and they are such a mess…a disaster.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No!”  She reaches for his other hand and grips them tighter when he tries to pull away.</span>
  <em>
    <span>  How does she make him see?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“These hands...they’re the hands that hold mine.  These are the hands that rocked our baby girl to sleep.  They tied her shoelaces and wiped her tears.”  She’s crying so hard right now it’s a wonder he can even understand a word she is saying, but she pushes on.   </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“These are the hands that hold me and ...and these are the hands that love me.  They love me Jay.  That’s what I see.  That’s what I feel when you touch me.  That is what I will always feel when you touch me.”  Somehow she’s in his lap and her hands are no longer forcing him to touch her.  She’s holding onto his wrists while he cups her face and she just needs him to know that she’s never felt anything but loved.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I am not afraid of you.  Please...Please believe that.  I am not afraid.”  She sort of just melts against him when he ends up pulling her against him.  He’s holding her so tight she can hardly breathe but she’s holding him just as desperately and it just feels right.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want to come home.”  His lips move against her ear and she swears nothing has ever sounded better than that.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Now.  Tonight.  You’ll come home tonight.”  She doesn’t care about his things at Will’s or the extra stuff they’d bought so Sara wouldn’t have to lug the basics back and forth.  This is where he needs to be...with her...with them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He laughs against her and she can feel it more than hear it.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m staying.”  He carefully sets her back on the floor and then stands, one slightly trembling hand reaching out to her, testing...questioning.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let’s go to bed.”  His entire world shifts back into place when without a single moment of hesitation, she smiles up at him and slips her hand into his.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When they get upstairs, they head into the bathroom to get ready for bed.  Hailey can feel his eyes on her the entire time she’s washing her face and brushing her teeth.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can I touch you?”  His question is so quiet that she wonders if she just imagined him speaking, but when her eyes land on his through the mirror, she can see he’s waiting for an answer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My therapist...he uh...he said that me asking before I touch you can help with some of the stuff in my head.  I heard you...Downstairs when you said you weren’t afraid of me, but I still struggle with what I did.  I don’t think I’ll move on from that for a while.  This is...this is where I’m at right now.”  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Please let that be enough for now.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can touch me, Jay.  You can ask for the rest of our lives but my answer won’t ever change.”  She waits for him to touch her but he doesn’t move.  “Do you want me to ask before I touch you?”  The scene from the living room flashes through her mind and she wonders if maybe she’d gone too far.  He had been truly terrified that she had forced him to touch her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No.  I don’t want you to...but I love you for checking in...for making sure.”  This time when his arm moves, it comes to rest on her shoulder and his thumb rubs at the base of her neck.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It starts there, at the bathroom sink and even though she doesn’t remember moving, they have somehow managed to make it to the bed.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hailey.”  Her name falls from his lips and he hopes she can hear all he’s trying to say with that one word.  He’s holding himself above her and they’re both breathless already from learning each other all over again.  He wants to be as close to her as he can possibly be, and when she stares up at him, her fingers pressing into the back of his neck to get him closer, he slants his lips across hers and slides inside her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Home...forever...you and me...</span>
  </em>
  <span>The words tangle together and Hailey doesn’t know if he’s actually saying them or if they are just in her head, but she knows without a doubt that she has never felt more loved than she does right now.  </span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They slip into their old routine easily.  Hailey and Jay don’t talk about what happened to cause the separation with Sara.  She won’t understand for years to come so they just tell her it’s over and that the reasons for not being together were no longer reasons.  Sara accepts that, but she knows it was much bigger than what they are letting on.  She’s just happy that things are how they should be.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hailey smiles from her seat at the kitchen island as Jay and Sara stand by the stove for spaghetti Saturday.  It’s the third one they’ve handed since Jay came home and everything seems so familiar yet still new at the same time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jay is just as goofy and loving with Sara as he’s always been.  They laugh and joke and huddle close with their secrets.  She wonders often what she did to get so lucky and have this as her life.  </span>
  <em>
    <span>God...she loves them.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mom try this!” Sara pushes the spoon with some of Jay’s marinara sauce on it and Hailey hums out her approval.  She props her head in her hand and then continues to watch as Jay puts the sauce on simmer and sends Sara to clean up for dinner.  The second she’s out of the room, he moves to stand beside her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This is the part that’s new.  Before, he would use any excuse to touch her...any reason no matter how small to just have his hands on her.  Now, he’s so careful with her.  Like she’s a delicate piece of china that could break at any second.  She should be annoyed but she’s anything but.  Every touch of his feels like he’s memorizing her body.  His eyes search hers and she knows the words are coming a second before he speaks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can I touch you?”  His fingers twitch at his sides and as soon as she tells him yes, he lifts her from her seat and sets her on the counter, attacking her lips.  His hands runs from her knees alone the outside of her thighs up her sides and stop on her back to hold her close.   Once he gets past that first initial touch, he’s solid, and his body just remembers what to do.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She feels cherished...loved.  This is where she is supposed to be...always.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Just something that’s been rolling around in my head for a while...</p></blockquote></div></div>
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